Friday, May 15, 2015

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Calming the mind through meditation

  Unhappiness, joylessness, sadness, bitterness, rage, feeling bleak, fatigue, loneliness, stress, anxiety, pessimism, self hatred, fear, pain and more pain. These are all part of the depression package. Socially perceived as a weakness of  the character and personality. A stigma.

  No I have not been clinically diagnosed with depression. I'm simply pessimistic and have no concept of joy by nature. I would never be caught dead going to a therapist. I refuse to take drugs. Even small doses made my brain felt extremely dull and blunt. It is difficult enough trying to find work and jobs with a pathetic portfolio filled with dark morbid art. Since depression is categorized as an illness a disease, it is also a career killer to be marked as depressed. People who have not experienced depression first hand will never never ever be able to comprehend how a living being would wish so much to die, that they would risk everything to end their own life, and it is painful to die. It is as painful to die as it is to live.

  Why? Because there is so much pain that only more pain can cover it... at least that is my theory for self harm. Why? Because joylessness and pessimism is torture. It is a parasite or virus that induce torturous pain that can not be literally scratched or patched. It is a very slow and painful way to die. It nibbles away your life energy and slowly increases the pain, building it up day by day. It slowly wears the psychical body down, introducing a new ache, and new pain, a new allergy, shutting down the system one by one, rendering the physical body into a cripple. Slowly it eats away the soul. It attracts more unhappiness and pain and wraps them around you like a cocoon, suffocating you inside. An intricately tightly woven web.  How does eternal joylessness feels like? It feels like a crumbling rock forever and eternally drowning in darkness (I almost drowned in a pool so yes I almost knew how drowning felt like).

   Contrary to what many believed from what they have read in books and seen on TV, depression does not equal to madness. Being depressed doesn't mean one is schizophrenic or a danger to the society, and suicides are an act to seek attention. If I wanted to kill myself I would not tell anyone, for if I did I wouldn't be able to do so. Furthermore no one is going to take notice since many see it as a character flaw, a weakness or a bad habit. So it is actually really easy to hide the intention at plain sight. The trick to conceal is actually to not try to hide deliberately.

   There is not way to get rid of depression or joylessness completely (personal view). I have been feeling that empty spread of joylessness my whole life... since self awareness popped into existence... which began when I around 7 or 8 years old LOL. However I do believe there are ways to maintain and stabilize the conditions, decrease the outbursts and lighten the cycles... and my way to contain my inability to feel joy is to meditate.

  There are so many styles of meditation out there. I have learnt to just go with my instincts and not to go by the books. The one that you find the most comfortable probably suits you the best. It doesn't work overnight. It takes effort, regular commitments to take effect. Months into meditating everyday and I'm still struggling to get the right "feel" (not very talented), but my headaches have mostly gone away. I'm less anxious. I can take public transports again. I can pick up a call now. My health improved a little, and I hate myself a little less... though it doesn't seem to help with eczema LOL nor has it cured my short term memory. Meditation does not take the "joylessness and pain" away but helps me to look at it from a different perspective. Instead of the roaring screaming scribbling swirl storms "joylessness and pain" had often presented itself. It is now a spread of energy grey and white. It no longer screams with scratches and screechy lines and marks. It is just there.

  Meditation. It isn't magical nor paranormal. Meditation does not cure but it will heal and calm to a certain extend. I see it more as an exercise. A breathing exercise and mind exercise. It opens up your mind, balances and create acceptance.Through experimenting (I even tried it in a crowded train) I have found it to be the most effective early in the morning- before dawn, and the most distracting late at night. It works most effectively when the exercise isn't focused on one's self or purpose- for it is not a wish granting tool, but rather on feeling the space within and around. The vastness of space.... and seeking to understand while not judging...

  I have a long long loooong long way to go. I'm still do not understand love and relationship between people, I'm still not feeling joy, I still do not see my purpose of existing and being alive, but at least I do not hate for I do not want to hate which is why I meditate.

  I'm not depressed, I just have an abundance of pessimism that is all. LOL

Below are some related links:
The types of depression
Stigma of being depressed
Different ways to meditate
Beginner's cautions and Headaches
Tibetan singing bowls

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Fear of humans

  I fear humans. I fear them more than the ghosts, aliens and monsters in my dreams, and the bears in the woods( hug them!). I have feared people since a very young age. Before I knew what fear really meant or how to spell it.

  Be they strangers be they friends. In their eyes I see only disappointment, annoyance, distrust and impatience. I try to make myself think otherwise, that it is all just my imagination. It didn't work for my imagination is in every bit a reality to me in my mind. I live in it. I still do not know how to imagine myself out of it because I do not know how not to fear people. I do not know what to do with them. I do not know how to communicate with them for I fear angering them, upsetting them, disappointing them.  It is exhausting and mentally depleting. 

  Humans are fearsome beings. One can sense their rage, hate and impatience like a hellish raw force that suffocates. One can sense their displeasure and disapproval. The cold distance that stabs and pierces. It must be just my imagination.

  This world is gruesomely colourful and loud. The dark side is on the contrary comforting and safe. It is simple while the light is harsh. I sit and be silent, disappear and do not exist. Just observe. Be the observer. This matter of course attracted an equivalent consequence- invisibility.

  Communication. Without which one can not survive in this human dominated world. A skill that does not come easy, at least not for me. I find it awfully confusing. I often under read things or over read things, and very rarely in-between. It is worse when I can't see the person's face. It may be worse if I have to face an angry person, especially when that person is angry at me. At least if it is an email I may be able to calm down and think... although I find it difficult to read on screen. Words jump and disappear and reappear. Highlighting sentence by sentence helps but I can't do more than a few mails each time. Which is bad as mails pile up and up and up... and my brain decides to jump off a cliff. That said it is still better than facing a real person. Mm. Coward.

  When stuck in the presence of an angry person my world starts swirling around, my chest hurts, I can't breath, I can't speak and literally becomes cold. I can't move and stares ahead like a rat in the headlight.Well that of course only makes an angry person angrier and roar into full rage. After an episode I would get massive headache and  felt like throwing up and my stomach churned like I just had some food that have gone bad. Usually I struggle to ever speak to whomever was mad or I think was mad at me again. I can try for weeks, for months just sitting infront of the screen not being able to type a single word. Just not being able to function or work. I couldn't eat. I can't eat. My mind would be just a total blank.

  Animals are a lot easier to understand even though I can't communicate with them. The vibes humans give off are too intense. The closer one gets the more fearsome and frightening. Angry people are the real demons. Nothing can be more frightening than that. Nothing, not nightmares, not drowning in a pool, not being lost, not being penniless. Because those can be handled and meditated on... but humans... humans are so complicated... so entangled. All one needs is a small insignificant spark to ignite hell.

  There is no conclusion to this. I still fear humans. I tried getting close, I tried distancing, I tried pretending, I tried to be more courageous and less of a coward. But trying is not enough. I have to just "do" or " not do" and I don't know what that means. I did what I could and still am and have yet to find a way around to deal with the fear. There is no one to blame but myself. Running away always- without fail- makes things worse. I just have to work on it harder. Sometimes it works but more often than not I just sit with my mind completely blank, staring at the words not knowing what to do for days and days and days on. I can't answer why or understand why I just can't type or say something. It is the same with phone. I can't pick it up. It takes a humongous effort to just pick it up. Humongous! It feels worse than trying lift up a rock drilled deep into the ground.

  Twitting and blogging though isn't quite so difficult as I had feared...since I guess... I do not bother anyone. I try not to. I don't think anyone will be bothered? But to be safe I still try not to and high chances are that nobody will read them anyway. It is nice to post pictures and hope people will enjoy them. As long as no one gets angry or hate me. I can bare being alone but being get shouted at(or imagine being shouted at) makes it unbearable.

  After blabbering so much It only comes down to my own inabililty to overcome my own fears. The fear of being outcasted. The fear of being undeserving. Very silly but it isn't easy either.

 People who know me well find me annoying and inferior, at least I think they do. How dare I think like that! How obnoxious! How vain! How egoistic! ...I find myself annoying and stupid to the point that I find it hard to believe any people will be able to come to like me if they get close enough. I can't even like myself no matter how much I force myself to. It only makes me more nauseous. How obnoxious. How vain. How egoistic.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Fear induced Invisibililty

 This blog has been neglected for so long that I have decided to use it to write any whims or nonsense that pop up in my mind even though I'm terrible at writing. 

 I have the power of invisibility LOL. Many years back I was at the table of a comics related convention, chewing on nuts like tree squirrel with a bad hair day. I wondered why those who stopped by the table did not attempt to talk to me at all. Do I look that unapproachable?

 I soon realised that it was because nobody noticed that I was there. Very often strangers would fail to notice my presence and would be startled when they realised someone was there, right beside or behind them like a ghost(and for quite awhile too). Their reactions were quite amusing at times to watch. This ability which stemmed from my fear towards the human species since a very young age can be quite useful at times but the down side is that since I do not know how to switch it off at will, it works so well that I blend into the subatomic particles. Ninja style. It would spread into the metaphysical space of my existence. My art, my voice and words all become small and whited-out, difficult to find and see or hear, or sink into the mind.

 I have had pieces of genuine gemstones such as jade given to me as charms. Every single one of them would turn pallid and dull after a month or two. It made me sad because I felt as if I had killed them... They looked and felt dead. Happy stones shine and sparkle, and they give off vibes.

 I would probably make a good thief but I do not have the courage and wit to be one, nor do I want to steal anything that isn't mine. My invisibility inspired the title of my blog Pallidmor which means a pale looking dark puddle. Like sick cloudy aura, almost non existent.