I fear humans. I fear them more than the ghosts, aliens and monsters in my dreams, and the bears in the woods( hug them!). I have feared people since a very young age. Before I knew what fear really meant or how to spell it.
Be they strangers be they friends. In their eyes I see only disappointment, annoyance, distrust and impatience. I try to make myself think otherwise, that it is all just my imagination. It didn't work for my imagination is in every bit a reality to me in my mind. I live in it. I still do not know how to imagine myself out of it because I do not know how not to fear people. I do not know what to do with them. I do not know how to communicate with them for I fear angering them, upsetting them, disappointing them. It is exhausting and mentally depleting.
Humans are fearsome beings. One can sense their rage, hate and impatience like a hellish raw force that suffocates. One can sense their displeasure and disapproval. The cold distance that stabs and pierces. It must be just my imagination.
This world is gruesomely colourful and loud. The dark side is on the contrary comforting and safe. It is simple while the light is harsh. I sit and be silent, disappear and do not exist. Just observe. Be the observer. This matter of course attracted an equivalent consequence- invisibility.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
This blog has been neglected for so long that I have decided to use it to write any whims or nonsense that pop up in my mind even though I'm terrible at writing.
I have the power of invisibility LOL. Many years back I was at the table of a comics related convention, chewing on nuts like tree squirrel with a bad hair day. I wondered why those who stopped by the table did not attempt to talk to me at all. Do I look that unapproachable?
I soon realised that it was because nobody noticed that I was there. Very often strangers would fail to notice my presence and would be startled when they realised someone was there, right beside or behind them like a ghost(and for quite awhile too). Their reactions were quite amusing at times to watch. This ability which stemmed from my fear towards the human species since a very young age can be quite useful at times but the down side is that since I do not know how to switch it off at will, it works so well that I blend into the subatomic particles. Ninja style. It would spread into the metaphysical space of my existence. My art, my voice and words all become small and whited-out, difficult to find and see or hear, or sink into the mind.
I have had pieces of genuine gemstones such as jade given to me as charms. Every single one of them would turn pallid and dull after a month or two. It made me sad because I felt as if I had killed them... They looked and felt dead. Happy stones shine and sparkle, and they give off vibes.
I would probably make a good thief but I do not have the courage and wit to be one, nor do I want to steal anything that isn't mine. My invisibility inspired the title of my blog Pallidmor which means a pale looking dark puddle. Like sick cloudy aura, almost non existent.